Santa Claus

Wow, at around age 3 you really don't know what's going on, but it sure is cool. Some fat man in a red suit comes to your house and leaves you presents. By age 4 you're totally excited and ready for this guy.

As you grow older you learn more about the story. The guy lives at the North Pole and throughout the year he has little short guys in green outfits building toys. Then, one night a year Santa Claus gets his magic reindeer and he flies through the air on a sleigh, and he delivers toys to every kid in the world.

One of those Elves your dad
was telling you about. The
old man was such a perv.

Now, as a child you are totally believing this crap because your parents are feeding you the lies and you are watching those TV Christmas specials.

And then the lie grows even bigger. See those birds on the electric line behind your house? Those are Santa's watch birds, and if you don't eat your peas they'll give a bad report to Santa -- then you won't get as many toys. In fact, if you are a ratty ass little kid, Santa will find out and you won't get toys at all — you'll get a lump of coal instead.

I was one of the late bloomers. I did not know Santa Claus was a lie until age 9 when the boy next door told me. He said it was my parents who were actually putting the toys under the tree. I was shocked so I confronted my mom, and she figured it was time for me to know the truth.

NOTE TO PARENTS: Please don't screw your children's brain by lying to them about Santa Claus.

So, there are many old myths and traditions in our history that are similar to Santa Claus. But OUR version of Santa Claus comes from Saint Nicholas of Myra, a 4th century Greek Christian bishop who gave people nice gifts (hair dryers, iPhones, etc...).

In the 19th century there were variations of the Santa Claus story and He had no one, consistent look. It wasn't until the 1930s when an artist working for Coca-Cola gave Him his current look — a fat guy with a white beard, wearing a red suit and a goofy hat.

Like many other children, I started asking questions. The main question is: "How can Santa Claus be in so many places around Christmas time?" I was told that those were people just DRESSED like Santa — the real Santa was at the North Pole.

For my oldest daughter, she figured out the Santa lie when her new stuffed bear smelled like laundry detergent. See, we used to store our childrens' presents in the crawlspace under the house. One Christmas eve, when we were getting the presents, the dog came in, hiked his leg, and peed on some of the presents. We told Christi a reindeer had peed on her Winnie the Pooh bear — she didn't buy it.

So, after screwing your child's mind for years, the parent finally tells him or her, "Oh, Santa Claus is all made up. It's PRETEND." Oh, but Christianity is completely true and factual. So, don't believe in this elaborate Santa myth, but do believe everything in the Jesus myth. Yes, the virgins, angels, walking on water, casting demons, raising the dead — all perfectly true. BUT SANTA IS A LIE.