Pain

The pain is so intense. I try to transfer the pain on my beloved Planet, which is being systematically and thoroughly annihilated by the savage monkeys.

There is the pain of having what you can't have, of being unable to change what you can never change. There is the pain of the little ones that I love so deeply, who are destined for destruction, yet I am powerless to save them. There is the pain of reality — you want it to be a dream, but it's really reality.

I grieve, I go into a deep depression, and I am perplexed on how the pain can be so incredibly brutal, and how it doesn't go away.

I give up on love. It is arrogant of us humans to believe we possess some special emotion, that makes us different from our fellow animals. There is no love on this Planet — only a careful selection process, choosing what benefits us most. We, the selfish monkeys, jockey for position, and try to get the very best of everything that we can, AND WE CALL THIS LOVE!

I am perplexed by my total inability to change what I can't change. If I just shut my eyes and think hard enough about what I want, it will happen, but yet it does not.

I cry, I get angry, I take walks, I grieve, ever so deeply. But that changes nothing, because what is, is. And what is not, is not.

It is intensely cold tonight, and I stare into the moon. Maybe that which I love is staring at that same moon at the same time, and maybe that is my connection. I look at the white, bright moon, and I feel that surely in this insane Universe there must be sanity. I don't really know.

And I grieve, and I grieve, and I let the pain pour out. I want to change things, but I can't. I want my dreams to come true, but they don't always do. I want to be with the magic and passion, but they are elusive, and slip again into the night.

The pain, the pain. Please make it go away. It is painful to fail. It is painful to acknowledge the biological realities of this Planet. There are a million things that we can have in this life, and there are a million things we can NEVER have in this life. But yet we still want, for what we long for is our completion and fulfillment. And to never have that really, really hurts, incredibly deeply.

It hurts. Really, man, it does.