Sinking, Spiraling, Fading

Depression is not something you can control. It just comes out of nowhere and hits you, and suddenly you find yourself falling into a dark abyss. Each day I watch the world go by and I feel that I'm just sitting in a movie theater watching a show. Half of me does not want to be here, but the other half does, so that I can keep gazing at the stars.

Lately, my cynicism has only gotten worse. I did not follow Copenhagen closely because I already knew the outcome. I am so cynical that I'm suspicious about everything — the Afghan surge, health care reform, etc... Every time I read something in the news, I think "follow the money" or "who's on the take." I know that true idealism has been left to the preachers and poets, and that what really motivates our institutions is self-interest and greed.

As for humanity, the extreme violence really drags me down. The story of the Mexican drug criminals who murdered the grieving family of the sailor who died in the drug war is beyond belief. The tireless terrorism of the Muslim wackos is also beyond belief. Setting off a bomb to murder and maim innocent people is beyond belief.

I believe that all government does is stop the excesses of our insane civilization. Without government, people could do anything they wanted, so they would just do the worst — rape, torture, murder, and looting. Once our civilization collapses, the world will be run by warlords, who will be vicious at first, but will then take on a form of idealistic righteousness — we see that right now with the Taliban. Eventually, the warlords will form city-states and small kingdoms, and eventually these will be united into nations by the strongest warlords, and thus the cycle will repeat.

As for humans, we are both beautiful and amazing, and disgusting and evil, all at the same time. But most unfortunately, we are also extremely ignorant. Most people are so hung up on pop culture, sports, and their white religious powder that they forget we live on a planet. They are clueless and only believe what Glenn Beck tells them, so that they don't have to actually research and think for themselves.

A few of us are self-aware, and that gives us the ability to look around and say, "WTF." Some of us become activists and dedicate our lives for a cause. As for the environmental activists, I respect and admire them with all my heart, but I'm wondering if their fight is in vain. And to even think that makes me feel like a rat, but I have just seen too much, and I'm understanding human nature more and more.

But something inside tells me to continue the struggle, not for victory, but because we find satisfaction in doing what our heart tells us to do. Maybe by doing what we know is right, we will find happiness, and that's something everyone seems to be searching for.

This last decade flew by. I look back and think of my accomplishments. I made a few, and I did some neat things, and had some fantastic experiences. I have no regrets, probably because I just don't care. In fact, I care less and less about things as I grow older.

Idealism is the most wonderful attribute to hold inside you, so I hold on to mine for the simple hell of it. I long for my soul mate, and I long for the time when I can just rest.