Why We're So Dysfunctional

I'm really enjoying reading other people's blogs, and man, we humans sure are messed up. I'm reading blogs about people going to jail, fighting drug addictions, and worse. And then there is the embittered ex-surfer and the woman who can only blog when she's totally drunk. Wow, we bloggers need help. Shoot, all of us humans are screwed up.

But what makes us that way? It all starts when we are kids and our parents start telling us about Santa, Easter Bunny, and God. When we get older we are told that Santa and Easter Bunny are fake, but God is real. Yet, that's not enough. Parents get a sick thrill of stretching stories. There I was, just a small kid sitting at the dinner table with my sister. Mom and dad pointed out the window to a bird on a power line. "That's Santa's watch bird," they said, "You'd better eat your vegetables because he reports back to Santa Claus." OH MY GOSH, my sister is shoveling cold peas in her pockets but I'm swallowing the green gaggers because I want to get TOYS.

Now, roll forward 30-plus years and I'm watching the U.S. president lie to me on television, and being the patriotic person that I am, I'm shocked when I realize I no longer trust my government. And then people I know are talking about how crazy Iraqis are, and I'm thinking, CRAZY? Who's really crazy?

Let's see, first Saddam is our friend during the Cold War and the U.S. CIA helps bring him to power. It is all part of a greater plan to kill the bad Communists and have U.S.-friendly puppets in the Middle East. The Iraqis are no longer people, but simply a "buffer and strategic asset" against the Soviet Union.

But then we don't like Saddam anymore. By 2002, our government is screaming "Weapons of Mass Destruction" but there are none. Then we are screaming, "We are giving Democracy to the Iraqis," while failing to mention that we helped take it away in 1963. And then more stories are floated about mobile weapons labs and buying uranium from Africa, and the lies continue.

And I'm still thinking about that darn watchbird that made me eat so many peas, corn kernels, and an occasional mushroom.

So, after invading their country on false pretexts and trumped up claims, the next thing you know we're stopping them at checkpoints, yanking them out of cars, and sending them to Abu Ghraib prision to piss on them.

The British government has learned that Saddam Hussein recently sought significant quantities of uranium from Africa. -- George W. Bush, January 28, 2003

Yes, little Alfie, your government LIES to you, your parents LIE to you, your religious leaders LIE to you, your employer LIES to you, everyone LIES to you, and if you dare question this, YOU are the crazy one. Before you know it, some doctor is prescribing you valium and Prozac and you are saying to yourself, "Why am I so screwed up."

Favorite Lies:

-- My gosh, those dots in that photo are mobile weapons labs. What? That's Willie Nelson's camper? Lie, lie.
-- Your government says Cuba is bad. Lie - Cubans are well educated and are great at keeping old cars running for 40+ years.
-- Your pastor says that all Muslims are going to hell. Lie, lie, lie.
-- Your employer says the stock in your retirement account will appreciate. LIE!
-- Your mom says Santa ate the cookies. LIE - look at dad's waistline and the crumbs on his lips.

Let me tell you, oh little human. YOU ARE SANE. It is the world you live in that is totally dysfunctional. Live in peace. And to my brothers and sisters in Iraq, I ask for your forgiveness. I know you think we Americans are totally crazy and well, that's because we are.

These guys make sure I eat my peas.