Reflections of A Madman

Luz Adriana Villa A. / Foter / CC BY

I have no complaints in life and I have received some wonderful, unexpected blessings. I still yearn to put my life to good use by doing some great accomplishment, but I remain burnt out.

If I were to do something great I'd probably go through the same routine that I did in 1997. I would sit down and say to myself, "What is the one issue where I can make the greatest impact with my life." At the time I determined it would be "human overpopulation," so I set out on a course to flatten the growth curve. I started a statewide coalition and we had meetings, tabling events, hosted forums, visited schools, and travelled around giving presentations. Fifteen years later I'm still at it. This year, I've done one tabling event and given three Powerpoint presentations on population. You know, I still enjoy it. I mainly love hanging out with the intellectual people in these groups. These are the people who give me hope and energize me.

Until I figure out what to do I feel that at least I can put myself to good use by making the lives of others a little less miserable. I try to do this daily with little kind comments to people at stores and restaurants, by making calls and sending cards to the sick, and by just trying to lift others up.

Most importantly, I am dedicated to peacemaking. When there is conflict I do what I can to make peace between the opposing parties. This is often difficult because sometimes one side will do something really crappy, and in their perception they are completely in the right, and they show no willingness to compromise. Often, these types of people don't realize they are being the antagonist. In their eyes they are completely innocent and everyone else is at fault.

Split
Our entire nation is divided between the angry white people on one side and the people of color and granola-eating hippies on the other side. Our country is divided into two distinct camps and every issue or incident in the news is viewed completely differently. When President Obama visits Middle Eastern nations one side calls him a "peacemaker" and the other side labels him a "sellout" and "weak." Obviously, that whole "blessed are the peacemakers" thing got flushed down the toilet.

Admittedly, I do lean a little liberal and a little libertarian, but I will always hold an olive branch and reach out to my brothers and sisters across the aisle. Not really. Actually, I'm sick of their shit. But I will at least hear them out and try to figure out where they are coming from on various issues.

Onward Bound
So, I'm still looking for that one issue, perhaps environmental or social, that will energize my passion and get me excited and going again. So far, I don't know what it is. I've become totally cynical, jaded, untrusting, and perpetually melancholy. I actually like living in a state of mild depression because it feels good. I did some acting in school and it's fun "acting" happy and cheerful on the outside, when, on the inside, I'm thinking, "I'll actually be glad when this three act play is over and I can get back to what I was doing for billions of years — making stars."

But I do feel that I have one last calling left. I am eating right and exercising and keeping myself in good physical condition for when the time comes. I am standing "on deck" and waiting for destiny to call me as I enter the final phase of my life.

I am human 3,004,232,541. I am a small speck in a massive see of humanity. We seem to be a wildly successful species, but our Planet is too small to handle our exploding population and destructive ways. Maybe I will simply go over the waterfall to extinction like everyone else, or maybe I'll be able to slow down the inevitable by a few years. Who really knows.