Nature is worth fighting for, but after a
while some of us get tired.
Yellow Canary Steps To the Microphone
[Clears throat] To my friend Günther and to my handful of fellow bloggers on dotMac, I would like to say "THANK YOU" for reading my blog. I had hoped that my blog would become a worldwide sensation, and that people would read it, empty their pockets at the alter, and turn from their destructive ways. Nope, hasn't happened yet.
It is Saturday evening at 11:23 p.m. Just a couple of things:
• Being a good environmentalist, I moved my office into a shed behind my house. I now work in my backyard in a shed. In the evenings, I often go in my shed to do more work, to do volunteer work, to blog, exchange e-mails with Günther, and whatever. So, the point being, it's really weird back here. It's really dark, and the crickets and other creatures are much louder when you're in a shed. I feel more connected to nature, but it's also kind of strange. I am now spending about one-third of my life in front of a computer, at a desk, in a small shed, in my backyard, in a small town 20 miles west of Atlanta. I am here man. I am a little dot.
• The other freaky thing is that whenever I get involved in a volunteer-run organization I just have to dive into the middle of things, get in over my head, and take on more than I can chew. I just have to hold a leadership position. Then, it's the same old cycle. I start getting burnt out after so many years, but I force myself to continue on because the cause that I'm working for is so worthwhile. But then I start getting resentful and it festers and builds up inside me, and then there is usually a point when I really don't want to do it to begin with, and someone will rub me the wrong way, and I'll just snap. And I'll use that person who rubs me wrong as justification in my head and to others for why I am quitting. Now, this is particularly difficult for me because I, Yellow Canary, am not a quitter. But this does happen on occasion. Maybe it's normal. I also seem to have a limited attention span and after a while I just get bored with something.
Volunteer Work
All my life I've done lots of volunteer work, and from 1989 until now I've continuously held a leadership position in some organization, including churches. I have tried to start two churches (both failed), I helped start a computer club and spent many weekends tutoring the disabled, elderly, and young. I mean, for YEARS I did this. I worked in the church nursery for nine years!!! Then in 1997 I decided to save the world and joined several environmental organizations and even started a new one the following year (it's still alive). For YEARS I was working 40 hours a week and then volunteering 20 hours a week. This took a great toll on my family. By 2003 I was experiencing serious shit burnout and by 2004 I cut way back on my volunteer hours. I hung it out for 2004 and still did quite a bit, and I continued into 2005. But finally, someone rubbed me wrong and just a few weeks ago I had "the big snap." So, I'm thinking what would life be like if I only, say, did five hours of volunteer work a week, and continued to give regularly to church and good causes? Then I would be covered. I could have peace and say, "SEE, I am giving back to my world. My bases are covered. I can feel good about myself." But really, I just end up feeling absolutely miserable because there is so much to be done, and I can NEVER do enough.
What's really hard is that now that I work from home, I really dislike driving outside my little community. Most of the environmental meetings are in the city or the other side of my county — both 50 mile round trips. So, I would just rather stay home, in my comfortable shed, and in front of my little computer.
The other thing is that I'm ALWAY behind. Junk mail and important papers continually build up into piles — I can never keep up with all the paperwork of running a household, plus all the volunteer-type paperwork. And I'm always behind on car maintenance, projects around the house, dental and eye doctor visits, taking my dog to the vet for shots, etc. It's like there are so many details to running a household and for once in my life I would like to be CAUGHT UP. I know, that sounds anal, but I would just like to be anal. I'd like to get the ton of papers in my home office organized as well. Whew.
So, What's the Moral of Tonight's Painfully Boring Blog Entry?
The point is that to save the world, you need to have a lot of time. If you have a family, a house, and a full-time job, it's really hard to find a lot of volunteer time. And if you make something the focus of all your free time, well, I get burnt out on that. But the world needs me because there are activists on the other end of the political spectrum who wish to push us back into a medieval, fundamentalist state. But I want to push my country and world forward. I am not a liberal — I am a progressive, and I'm proud of it. I want to see reforms that would better harness capitalism, eliminate poverty, protect our environment, and achieve long-term sustainability. I would like to see us reinvent how we live our current unsatisfying car-based lives. I would like to see more people growing gardens and just digging their hands in the moist dirt — after all, that's where we all supposedly came from.
Maybe when my kids move out and I'm an empty nester I'll do another big push to try and save the world. But for now, I am burnt. Maybe I will keep blogging — some of my fellow activists see it as a waste of valuable time. Maybe I will just become an armchair activist — one who does the phone calls, letters, and faxes, but rarely attends meetings. Actually, I have no idea of how I will feel about all this volunteer stuff next year. Really, I have no idea.
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