Here I am in my brand new, little green Ford. I am driving to work for the first time when all of a sudden this green grasshopper jumps out from a gap in the side of the dashboard. I never saw him because he blended in nicely with my GREEN dashboard. Before I know it, I realize I am being attacked by an ANGRY, freaking crazy, red-eyed, maniac.
He's jumping all over my face and trying to kill me as I swerve all over the road trying to keep him from going up a nostril. I scream, "What is wrong, what are you trying to do?"
Much to my surprise, the angry grasshopper replied, "I'm getting REVENGE for what you have done to the planet, and not to mention, what you have done to yourselves."
I knew this wasn't going to be a typical day, since I've never come across a talking insect. "What are you talking about?" I asked, I vibrated and shuddered, due to the fact that my car was off the road.
As he rested on my glasses frame, he stared straight into my eyes. "Look man, you people have bulldozed millions of acres in the southeast U.S. alone. You are sticking up stores, homes, and warehouses on every spot you can find. You are flattening north Georgia. This land sat undisturbed for millions of years, and then the Native Americans came here and lived in harmony with this land for 10,000 years, but then you come and flatten this land in THREE DECADES!!!!"
I could tell the grasshopper was really pissed, so I didn't dare move, and by this time my car was meandering in an open field. "But growth is GOOD, it brings in jobs and it's good for the economy. That's what politicians tell me all the time."
The grasshopper bit me on the nose, just as my two right tires went over a hill, and now my car is tilted and almost airborne. "And I have one other comment to make," the grasshopper said. "You are all FAT."
"WHAT?" I protested, as my car went through a thicket.
"You've gotten lazy. Look at your young American boys — they are dressing mannequins at Abercrombie & Fitch. Who does the landscaping, roofing, fast food, and other hard work? It's not your kids — they are all working retail. It's the immigrants who do most of the sweat work in this country. You are importing labor to do your dirty work, and then people COMPLAIN about the immigrants. And all the while, Americans of all ages are suffering from obesity — a disease of affluence."
"What? Are you questioning the American way of life? Don't you know if you do that you are unpatriotic, a Communist symphathizer, a freedom hater, and a generally rabid human being."
"But look man," the grasshopper said. "People think freedom means it's all about them. But it's not. Freedom is about having the freedom to make responsible choices. Don't tell that to the pro-life folks. Don't tell that to industrialists, the land-hungry developers, and the SUV owners. Don't tell that to the gun owners, because guns are a symbol of 'individuality and freedom.'"
"WHAT?" I said, "Are you a crazy grasshopper?" By this time my car was stopped in the middle of a grassy field.
"I don't hate America" the grasshopper replied. "I just think you all are SICK. This is a sick country. It is full of humans who only care about their immediate comfort and they can't see into the future. What's worse, they have lost their connection with nature and the planet that gives them life. Yet they scream about 'traditional values' until they froth at the mouth, and if you question them, you are not only anti-American, but a sinner too."
Having made his last comment, the grasshopper wished to talk no more, so he jumped on my shoulder, down my arm, and out the window. As I saw him hop away through the grass, I looked up to see a huge sign that said, "FOR SALE - WILL BUILD TO SUIT." That is exactly what's wrong with America — we've "built to suit" at the expense of everything, and everyone, else.
Yellow Canary
No comments:
Post a Comment